Dave and Alonso tell you which new movie is like the maze on the back of a Howard Johnson's placemat and other important stuff that has nothing whatsoever to do with the Academy Awards. Like us on Facebook, follow us @linoleumcast, check in at GetGlue.com, stream at Stitcher Radio, like us, hate us, but you'll never change us.

Dave and Alonso explain why some movies are like swallowing a penny and why all movies would be improved by the presence of Margo Martindale, preferably holding a live peacock. Like us on Facebook, follow us @linoleumcast, leave us a review at iTunes, check in on GetGlue, tell me you're tryin' to cure a seven-year ache.

Robert Abele of the Los Angeles Times joins Dave and Alonso this week, and of course the heterosexual guest is the only one of us who saw the gay movie. We also discuss why Melissa McCarthy is the new Oliver Hardy and the outsider art of Y.K. Kim. Like us on Facebook, follow us @linoleumcast, stream us on Stitcher Radio, fare thee well my Texas moon.

While Gary builds their new kitchen table in the background, Dave and Alonso fall in love with zombies all over again and wonder when Sylvester Stallone became such a pill. Like our Facebook page, follow us @linoleumcast (and @aduralde and @dlelandwhite), review us on iTunes, people who need people are the luckiest people in the world.

Dave and Alonso defend some of Jennifer Lopez's film work and imagine a conversation with Halle Berry's wig. Like us on Facebook, follow us @linoleumcast, check in on GetGlue.com, stream us on Stitcher Radio, do your little turn on the catwalk.

Dave and Alonso recall 2012's rock bottom, while also suggesting movies so awful that you really must see them. (The Ghost Rider-Madea crossover, alas, exists only in our wishes.) Like us on Facebook, follow us @linoleumcast, check in on GetGlue, stream on Stitcher Radio, brother and sister, together, will make it through.

EPISODE 100, Y'ALL. And they said it wouldn't last. Dave and Alonso deglaze the pan of 2012 with the year's final new releases and their choices of the best movies of the year. Turin horses and plague-surviving will be mentioned. Like us on Facebook, follow us @linoleumcast, check in on GetGlue.com, thank you for all the joy and pain.

Dave has his buttons pushed by Barbra Streisand. Alonso does his Werner Herzog impersonation. It's that kind of episode. (Number 99, to be exact.) Like us on Facebook, follow us @linoleumcast, stream us on Stitcher Radio, have the most, the merriest.

Dave and Alonso are getting over being sick, but there's just so much to share about the creepy new 48 frames-per-second technology and the belt-cracking joys of "This Christmas." Like us on Facebook, follow us @linoleumcast, stream us at Stitcher Radio, hang your stockings and say your prayers 'cause Santa Claus comes tonight.

Wash your hands after listening, because Dave and Alonso are both fighting off colds. But they rallied enough to discuss the truth about "Jingle Bells," a double-shot of C.Z. Jones, and much more. Like us on Facebook, follow us @linoleumcast, check in at GetGlue, pass around the coffee and the pumpkin pie.

If you thought Dave and Alonso were done talking about Christmas movies, well no. Director Jim Fall ("Trick") drops by to talk about his latest Lifetime joint "Holly's Holiday" and to share the show's first-ever live and in-person Top Ten list. Like us on Facebook, follow us @linoleumcast, stream us on Stitcher Radio, let man his songs employ.

Dave and Alonso are on their A-game, what with the very fancy (and hilarious) Manohla Dargis, film critic for The New York Times, dropping by to talk about holiday movies. (And did we mention that Alonso is the author of HAVE YOURSELF A MOVIE LITTLE CHRISTMAS? http://amzn.to/b444F8 ) Like us on Facebook, follow us @linoleumcast, just hear those sleigh bells ring-a-ling, jing-ting-ting-a-ling too.

Dave and Alonso look back on the insane fan response to one of this generation's most popular franchises and parse the difference between the Tolstoy heroine and the Godard star. Like us on Facebook, follow us @linoleumcast, check in at GetGlue.com, you need another lover like you need a hole in your head.

Dave and Alonso discuss wine tastings, crazy secessionists and the golden age of sleazy PG movies, along with the week's new movies. Like our Facebook page, follow us @linoleumcast, subscribe (and review!) at iTunes, don't sit under the apple tree with anyone else but me.

Dave can't stop himself from giggling over a particular actress' last name, while Alonso is very disappointed in a certain musician-turned-director. Like us on Facebook, follow us @linoleumcast, write us at linoleumpodcast@gmail.com, why waste your time, you know you're gonna be mine.

Dave recalls the Halloween he dressed as a popular cereal mascot while Alonso wants October 31 to be over so Christmas can begin in earnest. Like us on Facebook, stream us on Stitcher Radio, subscribe for free at iTunes, bang on the drum all day.

Dave and Alonso go deep in attempting to figure out What's Eating Tyler Perry while also plumbing the Haunted-McMansion subtext of the Paranormal Activity movies. Like us on Facebook, follow us @linoleumcast, stream us at Stitcher Radio, please don't talk about me when I'm gone.

After a week off Dave and Alonso have lots of ground to cover, including Objectivism on a budget and thoughts on Ben Affleck's future as a filmmaker. Like us on Facebook, follow us @linoleumcast, stream on Stitcher Radio, drop us a line at linoleumpodcast@gmail.com, pass the peas.

Dave and Alonso get into a bit of a rhubarb about the latest from Rian Johnson, but they are in agreement about teachers' unions and Cinerama and THE WIZ. Like us on Facebook, follow us @linoleumcast, check in at GetGlue.com, climb ev'ry mountain.

Dave and Alonso discuss white ninjas, tea additives and low-budget superheroes, as well as six new movies. Also, they impersonate Dream Academy and This Mortal Coil. Like us on Facebook, follow us @linoleumcast, subscribe and (rave) review at iTunes. clap-a yo' hands, slap-a yo' thighs, hallelujah, hallelujah.

Dave and Alonso are joined by special guest Marc Edward Huyck (@the_hoyk) to discuss a bunch of movies, most of which are in limited release, some of them so limited that we didn't feel like driving 100 miles to see them. (We're looking at you, latest Nicolas Cage vehicle.) Like us on Facebook, follow us @linoleumcast, review us at iTunes, walk it like you talk it or you'll lose that beat.

On the slowest box office weekend of the year, Dave and Alonso discuss celebrity divorce, the thrill of other people's arguments in public, and a bunch of listener Top 10 lists. Like us on Facebook, follow us @linoleumcast, subscribe at iTunes, check in on GetGlue.com, stream at Stitcher Radio, put your left foot in and shake it all about.

Dave and Alonso talk about the passing of Dave's mom, rant and rave about moviegoing experiences and do their best to make heads or tails of that "Oogieloves" movies. Like us on Facebook, follow us on Twitter @linoleumcast, review us on iTunes, yo DJ pump this party.

Anti-bullying deodorant, metaphorical automobiles, the truth about gospel choirs, and more! Like us on Facebook, follow us @linoleumcast on Twitter, subscribe at iTunes, stream us on Stitcher, take the elevator to the mezzanine.

Dave and Alonso cover the week's two big movies, yes, but they also remember several folks who passed on this week. Our hosts also make a concerted effort to dig through the backlog of mail from listeners. Add to that backlog at linoleumpodcast@gmail.com, like us on Facebook, follow @linoleumcast on Twitter, check in at GetGlue, stand up for your love rights.

Guest co-host Alynda Wheat of PEOPLE magazine thinks Dave bailed this week because most of the movies were so awful. Alonso keeps pouring the mimosas so she'll stay. Follow us @linoleumcast on Twitter, like us on Facebook, check in on GetGlue.com, stream us on Stitcher, don't stop believin'.

Dave takes a trip to the ER, Alonso battles a summer cold, and they still manage to record their longest episode to date. Follow them @linoleumcast and check in on GetGlue.com and like it on Facebook and smile though your heart is aching.

Dave and Alonso discuss the big summer movie that everyone is seeing and talking about. Plus a few others. Follow us @linoleumcast, like us on Facebook, check in on GetGlue.com, be yourself tonight.

Dave interrupts the show to call his mom, Alonso takes time out of Outfest to respond to some questionable internet reportage, and they both think a new movie is so terrible that you should probably see it right away. Follow us @linoleumcast, write us at linoleumpodcast@gmail.com, like us on Facebook, subscribe at iTunes, and such as.

Dave and Alonso say "Make mine music!" OK, they don't, but they do discuss ape raves, movie soundtracks, candy-colored pop princesses and a movie named for a Leonard Cohen song. Follow us on Twitter @linoleumcast, like us on Facebook, drop us a line at linoleumpodcast@gmail.com, check in at GetGlue.com, subscribe on iTunes, listen on Stitcher Radio, call your mother.

Look, Dave and Alonso have lesbians to meet for breakfast, and Dave is the president of the Super-Important Film Critics Club, so they meander a little less than usual this week. But only a little. "Like" our Facebook page, follow us on Twitter @linoleumcast, check into the show at GetGlue.com, subscribe on iTunes, listen on Stitcher Radio, write us at linoleumpodcast@gmail.com, try to floss at least once a day.

Dave and Alonso build a bridge between Suicidal Tendencies and Stephen Sondheim, discuss a disturbing children's movie that features a make-out between a man and a seal, and one of them cops to a moment of diva worship that happened at a TV taping this week. Follow us @linoleumcast

Dave and Alonso discuss blackface Judy Garland, vegan pancakes, unintelligible songs from gay Danish movies, crispy chicken, fresh lettuce, three cheeses, ranch dressing, all wrapped in a tasty flour tortilla. Also, discussion of whether or not Dave is an idiot for liking the atrocious new Adam Sandler movie, listener Top Ten lists and another chapter of "Play-Mate of the Apes."

Dave and Alonso are back, with Broadway adventures, baked goods (no eating during the show, we promise) and arguments about music. And Dave begins an ongoing series in which he relates the plot of the softcore "Play-Mate of the Apes." In a clean-podcast kind of way.

Chris Gore of ATTACK OF THE SHOW and PODCRASH WITH THAT CHRIS GORE sits in for Dave this week, and he and Alonso discuss random usage of British accents, a quick history of indie cinema and what WEST SIDE STORY and STAR TREK: THE MOTION PICTURE have in common besides Robert Wise. Follow Chris @thatchrisgore and at chrisgore.com

Alonso Duralde's out of town and Dave White's forced to turn to William Bibbiani of CraveOnline and The B-Movies Podcast for co-hosting assistance. Dave finally closes out his Robert Bresson pilgrimage, Bibbs discovers the power of Helen Slater's tiny tank top, and Men in Black 3 proves divisive. Sure, it's mediocre... but is it mediocre enough? They also gush about Wes Anderson's latest and ponder the crapitude of Chernobyl Diaries and France's answer to the cinematic career of Chris Columbus, Intouchables. Follow us on Twitter (@linoleumcast and @williambibbiani), submit questions to linoleumpodcast@gmail.com, subscribe on iTunes and like... nay, LOVE us on Facebook.

Dave is still on his Bresson kick, Alonso shares another John Hughes memory, and both of them find BATTLESHIP to be entertaining if still a piece of crap. Like us on Facebook, check into the show at GetGlue.com, follow us at Twitter @linoleumcast and drop us a line at linoleumpodcast@gmail.com

This week, Dave is very fancy while Alonso sees vintage rollerblading movies. But they both love it when Richard Linklater stays in Texas and think Bobcat Goldthwait is aiming at the wrong targets. Oh, and get it together, Tim Burton.

Dave and Alonso are joined by Alonso's college pal (and comics enabler) film critic Curt Holman @curt_holman to talk about Joss Whedon's super-team hit. Find out Alonso and Dave's funeral wishes, which one of them is a Nigella Lawson fanboy, and why The Avengers are like #Occupy

Alonso analyzes the mechanics of getting "the nod" from hip indie record-store clerks, while Dave laments the passing of Sara Lee cheesecake bites and NBC's "Providence" (in tandem) before praising TORQUE again.

Dave and Alonso disagree about the Three Stooges (but not about the new movie of the same name) and try to figure out just what a "fanboy movie" is and why the general public seems not to like them. And Alonso sees his first Béla Tarr movie. Like us on Facebook, follow our show on Twitter @linoleumcast

Special guests Grae Drake and Drew Droege join Alonso and Dave on Easter to discuss new movies; this is probably the only podcast you'll hear this week to reference "The Apple," Jodorowsky, "Taradise," Céilne Dion, Guy Maddin, Béla Tarr and "Josie and the Pussycats." P.S. The audio levels are all over the place. Sorry.

Alonso and guest host Matt Atchity of Rotten Tomatoes (aka "Fat Beardo 1" & "Fat Beardo 2" to some What the Flick?! viewers) talk about the death of regional film criticism (in print, anyway) and the ongoing problems with the MPAA ratings system when not actually discussing this week's new movies. Follow Matt @MAtchity on Twitter.

Dave's shocking revelations about his childhood flirtation with showtunes shock Alonso, and they eventually talk about the week's new movies after a long digression involving Christian Marclay's 24-hour film "The Clock."

Dave's excited over his new headphones, while Alonso goes down a rabbit-hole of TV nostalgia. All this, plus brioche, Hokeys and cinemaniacs.

So many movies this week, but Dave and Alonso still find time to talk about Doomsday Preppers, the Adam Scott/Hellraiser connection, and the eternal mystery that is Loretta aka Chiffon.

Dave and Alonso endure the longest opening theme song ever, debate the relative merits of 1982 vs. 1984 summer movies, and disagree over the meaning of the word "free-wheeling."

Dave and Alonso want everyone to start behaving themselves in movie theaters, even though that seems to be a totally lost cause. They also have plenty to say about the forward momentum of Tyler Perry as a director and are much less interested in rehashing this year's Oscar show.

Dave and Alonso are kind of bummed this week, because if you can't trust Nicolas Cage and the guys behind "Crank" to make an interesting movie about a flaming skeleton who rides a motorcycle, what's the point?

Dave and Alonso get side-tracked from this week movies and discuss Glitter and Sissy Spacek and Whitney Houston and Mary Kay Place and then somehow Glitter again. But they also review ths week's new movies. Except for Star Wars Episode I in 3-D, because seriously who cares.

TV star and sassy lady Christy Lemire joins Alonso for mimosas and Madonna, and discussions of haunted-house movies and 1980s sex romps. Follow her on Twitter: @christylemire

Dave and Alonso are sort of perplexed by the careers of Katherine Heigl and Sam Worthington. Liam Neeson, on the other hand, totally gets a pass, as do movies full of references to the French New Wave.

Alonso's back from Park City, so this slightly tardy episode features his favorite films from the Sundance Film Festival, along with Dave's pick of good and bad action movies with female leads, and a documentary that's almost entirely about breasteses.

Dave and Alonso are rendered almost speechless by the cruddiness of most of this week's movies, all the better to leave time to talk about lady doctors, Swinging London, and the intricacies of the "Petticoat Junction" theme song.

Dave and Alonso took a few weeks off, what with the holidays and their cars getting blown up by the LA Arsonist. So now they return with quick reviews of about a dozen movies plus tales of true crime.

It's Dave and Alonso's 50th episode, and the president has initiated ghost protocol. So they've got lots to say about Agnes Moorehead, Joan Didion, a certain church with a lot of L.A. real estate, macarons and the banning of the word "bromance." Happy Holidays!

Dave White and guest co-host Grae Drake of the Popcorn Mafia discuss what Dave does while Alonso is away, what they assume happens on a TCM cruise, and what the week's releases have in store for the holiday masses.

Dave and Alonso review the week's small movies that are the week's big movies, but they also cover pressing topics like hot-water bottles, Japanese pronunciation, and nostalgia for Steak & Ale.

Seven new movies this week, but Dave and Alonso still find time to come up with career suggestions for Martin Scorsese (involving an army of child film-preservation enthusiasts) and Jason Segel. They might mention Alonso's Christmas book a time or two as well. http://amzn.to/b444F8

Special guest Manny Lozano of Very Aware joins Dave and Alonso to talk about what women read, French action movies, and the sad state of Ventura County art-house cinemas. And he brought muffins!

Guest co-host James Rocchi and Alonso judge Clint Eastwood's latest on the gay-gay-gay scale and wonder whether or not Adam Sandler can be considered a mob kingpin.

Dave lays down his rules about listening to Christmas music and digs up an embarrassing article from the past, while Alonso wonders why Brett Ratner's new caper movie couldn't be as fun as, say, HOW TO BEAT THE HIGH CO$T OF LIVING. Can you even believe that this show is a year old?

Dave is cranky -- and only partially because he watched A Serbian Film -- but he still does his Ernest Borgnine impersonation. Alonso tries to cheer him up with discussion of Christmas and Charlize Theron.

Dave and Alonso disagree about how scary surveillance-footage horror movies can be, but they're both fascinated to learn new things about the private lives of hyphenate Milla Jovovich and one-hit wonder Meryn Cadell.

Dave and Alonso discuss scary movies and butter burgers, and they disagree about contests, a new comedy, and how enthusiastic Alonso got at a press screening this week.

Dave and Alonso somehow segue from the food-porn of TOAST to the stomach-turning new HUMAN CENTIPEDE movie. Also: Why the current crop of Christian movies are like the gay films of the mid-to-late 1990s.

Dave and Alonso saw a whole bunch of movies separately this week, so they compare notes on the new releases. And then they talk a lot about Rex Reed who, it turns out, turned 73 on the very day we taped this. So Happy Birthday, Rex!

In what may be a show record, there are three new movies that Dave and Alonso really love. The other three, not so much.

Dave and Alonso discuss violent men, whiny women, and irritating teenagers. And Snoopy.

The scalping of Gwyneth Paltrow must be discussed, but first, Dave and Alonso have reminiscences about working in movie theaters during the summer of 1984. The ugly truth about nacho cheese and grape soda is frankly revealed.

It's Labor Day Weekend, and the movies kinda suck. Dave and Alonso would rather talk about Thundercats and beer pong and "American Idol" runners-up and the Spin Doctors and decapods.

Guest critics Jen Yamato and Todd Gilchrist join Alonso to discuss more late-summer movies. There's also confessions about classic movies not seen and mockery of junket journos who call celebs by their first names. Follow our guests at Twitter: @jenyamato and @mtgilchrist

Dave and Alonso would rather talk about one-hit wonders and "Hart to Hart" than these late-summer doldrum movies, but they manage to cover both. Oh, and if you're a GetGlue.com person, you can now check in to the show -- but you'll have to find it listed with the TV shows. It just is.

Dave and Alonso welcome special guest Louis Virtel (Movieline.com, "Verbal Vogueing") to discuss what we love and hate about singing teenagers and why Part Fives are the new awesome. (If only the "House Party" franchise had made it that far.) The bumps in the audio happened because we decided later it wasn't nice to out a fellow film critic for crying at "Marley & Me."

Dave and Alonso contemplate a Partridge Family/Planet of the Apes cross-over and remember the R-rated movies of their childhood. P.S. We keep forgetting to mention that you should watch Alonso on Current's "50 Documentaries to See Before You Die."

Alonso would rather watch nine hours of Christian Marclay's conceptual art than 86 minutes of Smurfs, and Dave loves Miranda July and Captain America and doesn't care who knows it.

Dave and Alonso bid farewell to the little wizards, welcome a reboot of beloved characters, and talk about their favorite Harry Potter movies, Martin Scorsese's doggy-reaction shots, Daniel Johnston, and why "Hoarders" became too sad for Dave to watch.

Dave and Alonso would rather talk about Pippi Longstocking and the CBS Late Movie than new releases, but they manage to cover all of them.

Dave likes tea; Alonso likes coffee. Dave likes Michael Bay movies; Alonso likes his Twitter-pal Nia Vardalos. They both like monster-movie matinees.

Dave and Alonso talk the week's new movies as well as the times when "boring" isn't necessarily a pejorative. There's also the discussion of the awkwardness of getting to know famous people and having to review their work.

Yes, there are new summer movies to discuss, but Dave and Alonso are way more excited to tell you all about the nutty melodrama "N-Secure," new on DVD and Blu-Ray.

Dave and Alonso make it to their 25th episode, featuring another stab at theme music and more arguing over one of last week's movies. P.S. Now we have a Facebook page!

Alonso and his special guest co-host, MTV's Ryan Downey, geek out about comics continuity and wonder how much indie-movie preciousness is too much indie-movie preciousness. Get to know Ryan at www.ryanjdowney.com

Dave and Alonso have art flicks, docs, and sequels to talk about, but they get a bit side-tracked remembering the bizarre life and terrible movies of the guy who wrote "You Light Up My Life."

Dave chafes against the show's new "Clean" rating, especially when he and Alonso try to explain "Love Exposure," the Japanese four-hour epic of teen perversity. Also, they rave about one of Southern California's best drive-in movie theaters.

Despite being exhausted from a late-night concert and a post-brunch pancake coma, Dave and Alonso discuss the hilarious new Kristen Wiig movie, the terrible new Paul Bettany flick, as well as some limited-release indies.

Dave and Alonso have way too many movies to talk about this week, so things run a little long. But hey, you've got an unhinged chick flick, the return of Mel Gibson, Spanish Civil War histrionics, and a hobo with a shotgun, so, you know.

Dave and Alonso try to get excited about this week's new movies, but it's much more interesting to talk about old ones featuring Johnny Cash talking for Jesus, rabid zombie hippies, and blatant product placement.

Dave and Alonso tell actors why they should be nice to the costume department, complain about the Black Eyed Peas, and wonder what Ayn Rand's philosophy means for turning off your cell phones in movie theaters, much less streetlights and fire departments.

Dave and Alonso disagree about the virtues of slow cinema, teen girl assassins, and enthusiastic Christians. They also take a moment to remember the awesomeness of Sidney Lumet.

Dave and Alonso discuss a quartet of new movies, two Netflix Instant classics from the 1970s, the deliciousness of cream and of Cracker Barrel, and other pertinent topics.

"Sucker Punch" is so godawful that Dave and Alonso consider apprenticeships for new careers as, respectively, a butcher and a weaver of Chanel braid. But until that happens, they review "Potiche" and the new "Diary of a Wimpy Kid" movie, as well as HBO's "Mildred Pierce" and the wonderfully depressing first two movies based on the "Peanuts" comic strip.

Grae Drake (of Movies.com and the Popcorn Mafia podcast) sits in for an absent Dave this week, talking new movies (and Austin, and the Spice Girls) with Alonso.

Dave waxes eloquently on his love for director Apichatpong Weerasathakul and his new film "Uncle Boonmee Who Can Recall His Past Lives," while Alonso stands alone in not loving "Rango."

Dave and Alonso try to make heads or tails of a staggeringly dull Academy Awards ceremony. Dave defends James Franco's hosting abilities, but Alonso's not having it.

In the first of two episodes this week, Dave defends Nicolas Cage's career choices while Alonso recounts shivering his way through the 2011 Independent Spirit Awards.

This week, Dave tries to defend his love for Michael Bay and fat-suit fart humor while Alonso attempts to explain the plot of "Gypsy."

Dave and Alonso have words for Justin Bieber, Adam Sandler, Channing Tatum, and Elton John. Also, Alonso's Super Bowl Sunday Oscar Movie Marathon, plus a DVD pick.

Dave and Alonso review "The Roommate" and "Sanctum" and attempt to answer a question sent in by a listener.

Dave and Alonso discuss "The Rite" and "The Mechanic"; Dave went to "From Prada to Nada," Alonso went to Sundance, and neither of them like the Oscars or the poop smell in Theater 7 at The Grove.